Times of Crisis Breed Feelings of Anger

Living in a time where there not only is a pandemic but there is also racial and political strife, is likely to come with intense feelings of anger. Sometimes it may even feel unclear what the anger is about. And as I am sure a lot of people are experiencing, the anger is most likely being directed towards the people who are closest to you, such as your spouse or romantic partner. People have been making jokes about how quarantine has been a test to see which relationships will survive and which will not. However, the reality is that many relationships will not survive if each of the partners in the relationship do not find ways to manage their individual feelings of anger. Thankfully there are many skills people can practice and learn in order to better identify and manage their angry feelings. Let's discuss!

The Fundamentals of Anger Management.

Before you express your anger to your partner, you might want to engage in the following steps first. Making some space for yourself before discussing your feelings with your partner may help you avoid an unnecessary argument. 

1. Identify your Feeling: You cannot manage your anger until you properly identify your anger. It may seem simple to identify one's emotion but that may not always be the case. Sometimes people get so lost in the emotion that they can lose their reflective capacity to step away from what they are feeling and literally label what the emotion is. In these moments when we lose our connection to our ability to reflect, we can rely on our physical bodies. Some very basic physiological signs of anger are very tense muscles, tingling sensations, increased heart rate, and headache. Sometimes people may also find themselves clenching their jaw or grinding their teeth. These physiological symptoms may not always be signs of anger, they could be signs of anxiety or pain; however, if you notice these reactions in your body, you can use them as an opportunity to pause and reflect. You can tell yourself that your body is feeling something and that it would be helpful to identify what it is.

2. Reflect, Label, & Reflect: Now that your body has gotten your attention, you can make space to think. Give yourself 10 minutes to reflect by taking a walk or going to a quiet place. Take some deep breaths until you feel physically calmer, and then ask yourself, "what am I feeling?" Try and put a label on the emotion, such as literally saying to yourself, "I am angry." Once you have identified the emotion make more space to reflect on what it is that you are angry about. What is your narrative of the events that upset you? 

3. What is Under the Anger?: As you reflect on the narrative of the events that upset you, ask yourself if there may be any other feelings that come up in relation to the events. Oftentimes anger is just a surface emotion meant to protect and shield the more vulnerable emotions underneath. Typically, such emotions can be hurt, feeling invalidated or unheard, feeling not taken into account, or any other feeling of pain. Considering your partner did something or something that happened between you has left you feeling hurt, you may not want to make yourself vulnerable again by sharing your pain, so the default may be anger. However, only expressing the anger without the understanding of the other emotions as well, will likely result in your feeling hurt or unheard once again. An important thing to note is that in this newsletter we are discussing non-abusive relationships. In relationships where there is any form of abuse, these same fundamentals do not apply.

4. Self Care: Before sharing your emotions, you may also want to spend some time on calming your body and taking care of yourself. Exercise, yoga, meditation, massage, or a nice bath are all ways of diffusing moderate levels of anger. 

5. Validate First & Use "I" Statements: Most people have the tendency to lead a conversation with what they are upset about. It is an understandable urge but it is not going to be very effective if having a productive conversation is your goal. Leading with your grievance is likely to escalate emotion and increase anger rather than diffuse it. Nobody wants to feel blamed or attacked, even if your point is valid. Just like you want to be heard, your partner likely does too. Show your partner that their feelings matter too and begin the conversation by pointing out that you can understand where they are coming from. You may not agree with your partner's position so this can be very challenging; however, any small thing that you can validate or show that you understand can go a long way. Only after you have validated your partner's feelings as much as you can then share what was upsetting to you. Share what your reflections were around how the events of what occurred between you made you feel. Use "I" statements, such as "I felt really invisible to you when ..." as opposed to "you" statements like, "you always do this..." Hopefully your partner wants to hear more about your feelings than what they "always do." If your partner can understand how their actions make you feel, then they may be more likely to change their behaviors in the future. They will also be less defensive because you are not on the attack and they will be less likely to attack back, making it more likely that anger will dissipate rather than explode. Less attacking and more sharing. Again, I am considering non-abusive relationships here. 

6. Get Help!: If all else fails and you have tried all of these steps multiple times unsuccessfully then reach out to a therapist. You do not have to manage your anger alone. Speak to a mental health professional to decide whether individual and/or couples therapy would be recommended. There is always help!

If you find yourself struggling to cope with your feelings in your relationship, or if you are not sure how to manage your feelings during this time of social turmoil, feel free to reach out for a consultation. If you have general questions about therapy, you may find the FAQ page on my website www.GreenTPsychology.com useful.