What Are the Messages You Carry that Hold You Back?
If you took a moment to reflect, would you be able to identify moments when someone hinted at or directly told you that your goals are unattainable? Most people have experienced at least a few instances throughout their lives where it was suggested that what they wanted was either too much to ask for, would be too difficult to achieve, or flat out impossible. Some people hear discouragement so often that they no longer question it, and others who may brush these comments off may never pause to think about why they are being discouraged. Nevertheless, these are the messages that people can internalize and carry with them throughout their lives that may interfere with or sabotage the achievement of their goals. So what do we do about this?
No More Holding Back!
1. Taking some time for yourself to examine various moments in your life and identifying the messages that you took in during particular interactions, is a great place to start. These could be very subtle experiences that you never thought about before as specifically meaningful but when seen through a fresh lens could provide a more nuanced understanding for you. For example, perhaps during a conversation with a slightly older peer, you were told that if you didn’t attend a particular university you would never be able to land a job in the industry you want to pursue? Or maybe there was a moment during an internship when you spoke confidently yet directly to a superior who chastised you for not smiling first and asking them about their day before discussing the business matter? Over time, short but powerful interactions like these add up and can start to become strings of fabric that get woven into a narrative that you bring along with you as you attempt to meet your goals. What are the messages you carry?
2. Can you identify reasons why someone may be discouraging you? For example, is there any implicit bias at play? The motivated, hard working intern in my previous example was a woman. Would her superior have chastised her and told her to smile and ask how their day was had the intern been a man? Maybe, but it is still worth wondering about. Having an explanation for why you may be receiving discouraging messages can at times make it easier to push back against them. How does the person communicating these messages to you feel about themselves? Is it possible that they are discouraging you because they themselves are unhappy with their own trajectory and successes thus far? Before you conclude that this person must be right about you achieving your goals, I would suggest you try to identify as many other reasons as you can that would explain why this person may be saying these things to you.
3. Are these discouraging messages based in reality? After you have identified all the reasons why someone may be suggesting that your goals are not within your reach, ask yourself if that is actually true? For example, when I was at the end of my graduate education, an older male who I was interviewing with for a job told me that I wouldn’t be able to have a successful general practice because there are too many psychologists already, and that if I wanted to be successful I would have to market myself as a specialist in only one area of mental health. I remember feeling so anxious after that conversation because he basically was crushing my dream. But after I took a little time to calm myself down, I asked myself if his assertions were based in reality and I decided they were not. I walked myself through the process of thinking about all the other mental health professionals who successfully ran general psychotherapy practices and/or maybe also had a number of specialties. In fact, I didn’t know anyone with just one specialty who only marketed themselves as a provider of just that one specialty. Then I thought to myself that it probably would be a challenge on some level to set up shop, but then again wouldn’t that be true of anyone starting their own practice. I don’t think that would be extra hard for me than it would be for anyone else, and just because something is hard doesn’t mean it is not possible. Then I ran through all the reasons why this man may be discouraging me. I thought about gender dynamics, our difference in age, and I wondered about his own professional disappointments and successes. In the end I concluded that I was going to prove this man wrong (and all the other people at various points who communicated that I was asking for too much from my professional life).
4. Identify how these messages have held you back and make a change! Have you been afraid to go after something because of the narrative born from these messages? Do you have regrets? What would you have done differently and what can you do about it now? Perhaps knowledge is enough for you to push back against these messages and take the steps needed to pursue your goals. Maybe for some, knowledge is not enough and you may need to seek help from a mental health professional or a career coach to help you feel supported and motivated enough to take the next steps.
If you find yourself struggling to push back against the barriers interfering with you meeting your goals, then it might be best to reach out for some professional help and support. If you have general questions about therapy, you may find the FAQ page on my website www.GreenTPsychology.com useful.